day #4

thank God for sunshine. that and slightly warmer temperatures do my heart SO. MUCH. GOOD.  i think it confirms my seasonal affective tendencies. i may also be a bit happier since i was able to sleep last night too [mental sanity night off work]. i am meeting my boss on monday to beg for her mercy with my schedule and to take me off swing shift. we shall see....

daniel and i went for a 10 mile run down the west side of manhattan. painful but so fun. thank God for a body that moves.

i am still a lil funky, but getting better. there is hope---- that my boss will change things, that daniel will get a job, that spring will come, that my body will heal, that God is indeed good and that things will be restored between me and him. i find myself wanting him more and getting frustrated with him less. it's a challenge to see him for who he is sometimes and it's easy to get caught up in the gunk of life... but he really is good. big. powerful. loving. gracious. GOD.

[submarine? bottle? in riverside park]

day #3

fail.... i ate bad food... ha. i can't blame it on forgetting either. i knew i was cheating. i tend to gravitate to sweets when i'm stressed or bored or unhappy. it's a battle that will most likely rage more in the face of a lenten fast. i will not give up though and will work to 'behave' tomorrow.

the battle is less about food in many ways though. it's about emotions and feelings and the way i process them. sometimes i don't like being sad or alone or thinking too much so i cope with hand-to-mouth mindlessness.. i am looking to temporary things to provide comfort to my soul...  [ironically it inevitably makes me feel more grosser and depresseder later in the day]. this fast forces me to confront those feelings and instead of munching them away, i have to figure out what is going on in my mind and heart. it reminds me that Jesus needs to be the one to satisfy my heart.

jesus getting into my heart can be scary... [although he knows everything either way]. i am not good at accepting grace, so when my heart is ugly or raw i want to hide it. these are the times i need to give it to him the most. i need to trust that he is who he says he is. that his word is true. that he is good--- not just for others, but for me.  he is good.

day #2

welp. I survived yet another day. i must admit that i placed a caveat in my lenten fast... that i can have a few small chocolates at work but only at work. i indulged (only two hershey minis) but i think that is allowed when i spend the day running around like a crazy woman and helping a family grieve the loss of their mom/aunt/grandma.... I feel honored that God allowed me to be the one to love them through this time, but writing death certificates, calling to notify everyone, etc is not the most fun part of my job. the beauty in the pain. it has a whole new meeting now. to see God in the hurt and brokenness of the world can be a challenge. this world is broken and ugly.     ..... isn't that why Jesus came though.  death was not part of the original plan. it is a result of our sin. only through his horrific, brutal death can we have hope of life. this earth is broken, but he can make it well. he gives life. he dries tears. he restores.   thank you Lord the story does not end with our pitiful last breaths here on earth!


fast update: so yes, i did eat a lil at work but none otherwise. yay!!

day #1

and thus begins the 40 days of lent until easter.... ash wednesday. it's actually 46 days until easter but sundays don't count... silly...

so about ash wednesday: the goal is to remind us of our fragility. ashes to ashes. it is also to be at time of mourning and repentance of our sin. there are seasons where it's harder to see our mortality and sin, this season for me is not one of them. i am well aware of the fact that we can die at any given moment and it's often not a peaceful easy process. death is often ugly, abrupt, and unnatural. but i guess that is the point. it reminds us that we are fallen humans and that we are not made for this earth. we are made for communion with God. heaven has never looked better. i am also pretty aware as of late about how sinful i am. grosser than my marshmallow habit is my sin. i am selfish, self centered, consumed with things that, in light of our impending death, have no value. oh that i may stop worrying about things that don't matter......

the hinge in all of this is the reality that God is crazy about us and chose to rescue us from this eternal depravity. if we accept the gift that Jesus came to give, this earth is as close to hell as we will ever get. he can reset my mind on him and give me his desires so that the rest of my selfish junk falls away.

my catch point is deciding that he is worth it. that this promise and truth is legit. that it's not just fun to espouse, but that the reality of it is life changing. sometimes i'm way more foolish than i should be [i know better] and choose to not allow this to settle into the depths of my soul. i think i'm mad at him for not bringing more of heaven to earth; for not fixing things the way i feel they should be fixed. as a result, i spin my wheels trying to fix my corner of this broken world on my own. it's a futile mission, but i strive relentlessly nonetheless. i have reached a point of sheer exhaustion which means all i have left is the crabby, frustrated and now weary shell. boo.

** as a crabby person i tend to eat my feelings. i think that is the main reason why i have consumed so much sugary junk as of late... in my mopey afternoon self i have craved gross food sooooooooo much, but i have committed to spending more time with jesus in this and less time with hand-to-mouth therapy so i shall go to the gym and try to worship instead.

[i think maybe i should do senior aerobics, they are adorable and always look to be having so much fun]

ugh

confession time: i'm have been trying my best to 'be good' and stay gluten and dairy free for my health and the sanity of my poor husband. (laying in bed unable to move or sleep for hours just isn't ever ideal...) In its place, I have turned to 100% refined, processed, pure sugar to satisfy my need for pleasure. ie. marshmallows, chocolate chips, etc... bad.  kinda nasty if you think about it too much. like i could perhaps qualify for one of those 'strange eating' shows..... oy!

for the sake of my teeth and glucose levels and general health, I have decided to give up sweets for lent. this will be a true fast for me on several levels. 1. as stated previously, i am currently about as addicted to sweets as one could be (generally gf, df... but sometimes i don't even care and cheat) 2. when i want sweets, which is all the time, i will be forced to focus on God instead..... this is going to be a good thing but not quite so easy. God and I are generally close, but i'm a lil crabby pants with him as of late and so it will be an important but challenging exercise for me. 3. i had another reason, but that is plenty for now....

so here we go.... t minus eh like 2.5hrs and it's goodbye sugary yumminess.... withdrawal is already beginning....