day #1

and thus begins the 40 days of lent until easter.... ash wednesday. it's actually 46 days until easter but sundays don't count... silly...

so about ash wednesday: the goal is to remind us of our fragility. ashes to ashes. it is also to be at time of mourning and repentance of our sin. there are seasons where it's harder to see our mortality and sin, this season for me is not one of them. i am well aware of the fact that we can die at any given moment and it's often not a peaceful easy process. death is often ugly, abrupt, and unnatural. but i guess that is the point. it reminds us that we are fallen humans and that we are not made for this earth. we are made for communion with God. heaven has never looked better. i am also pretty aware as of late about how sinful i am. grosser than my marshmallow habit is my sin. i am selfish, self centered, consumed with things that, in light of our impending death, have no value. oh that i may stop worrying about things that don't matter......

the hinge in all of this is the reality that God is crazy about us and chose to rescue us from this eternal depravity. if we accept the gift that Jesus came to give, this earth is as close to hell as we will ever get. he can reset my mind on him and give me his desires so that the rest of my selfish junk falls away.

my catch point is deciding that he is worth it. that this promise and truth is legit. that it's not just fun to espouse, but that the reality of it is life changing. sometimes i'm way more foolish than i should be [i know better] and choose to not allow this to settle into the depths of my soul. i think i'm mad at him for not bringing more of heaven to earth; for not fixing things the way i feel they should be fixed. as a result, i spin my wheels trying to fix my corner of this broken world on my own. it's a futile mission, but i strive relentlessly nonetheless. i have reached a point of sheer exhaustion which means all i have left is the crabby, frustrated and now weary shell. boo.

** as a crabby person i tend to eat my feelings. i think that is the main reason why i have consumed so much sugary junk as of late... in my mopey afternoon self i have craved gross food sooooooooo much, but i have committed to spending more time with jesus in this and less time with hand-to-mouth therapy so i shall go to the gym and try to worship instead.

[i think maybe i should do senior aerobics, they are adorable and always look to be having so much fun]